just complete silence and the candle light

i wish i could,
stare at the wall
and see something different everytime
lene marlin - it's true

i have a problem.
the one who is a has been wants to be an now again.
the one who is harpped on wedding bells and satin gowns is in play.
the one who is the best friend is also in the darn play.

but the one who i really want, isn't.
in fact that one does not even know anything.

i'm far too old for that kind of situation.

anyway, this desperation for touch and love is utterly driving me insane. it's been so long since i longed for someone. i never really thought of getting into a relationship after desmond just because i'm too darn tired to start all over again.

it's so hard to be a girlfriend.
you have to be pretty all the time, meaning when you roll out of bed, you have to look like you can walk out the door to orchard.
you have to be smart
you can't be helpless
you can't eat too much in one go
you can't buy shoes, bags etc ie no shopping
you can't whine about how much your shoes hurt.
you can't ask for anything no matter how much you want something.
that means you have to drop hints which he does not want you to get.
you have to have amazing talents.
you have to be calm
you have to be unjealous
you have to be a sex god, the girl next door, the career woman, the mom, the housewife and LIKE IT.
you have to be wanted by every other man, but chose to be with him and say it.

that's why i'm so tired. because out of all of that, i did the exact opposite.
maybe i thought he was not worth it.

but now, this urge within me is so annoying. i'm far from the pretty thin thing that man crave for.
i figured that i'll just find the one that doesn't mind me.
who has a shallow hal effect.

i want you so bad. and he wants me so bad.