crash into me.

you got your ball, you've got your chains

as the itunes plays out the best of dmb,
i think it's time for some reflection.

the whole issue with the two of them has gotten me very irritable and very upset. i don't even know why i'm feeling this way. it's left me feeling incredibly sore and bitter about them, about relationships, about trust and about love.

is it so difficult to just see things in the big picture?

today, as i sat down with shaun and poured everything out, it made me think about certain relationships in life. the failed ones, the ones that lasted, the ones dripping with love, the ones soaked in hate. i made me wonder if relationships, both platonic and two-to-tango types, are in fact such an intergal part of my life to a point that they teach me how to think and react.

if not for the previous outburst, the previous problem, i wouldn't have done what i have done today. the problem took away faith in human nature and took away my belief system. it took away ounces of respect and practically a friendship. i hate feeling this way and honestly, i really want to walk away and just fuck it. it's something that's not my problem and it's not my situation. somethings are just left as wishes.

is it so hard to step away?

i guess it is. it's not my problem. i can just sit back and let people call me a meddlesome trouble maker or a liar or even a tramp but i can't. it's not even a problem with name calling, the issue is just not that simple. i hate that i am thinking about it constantly. i hate that i want to not care and i hate it that people are seeing it as i'm a nosey parker.

shaun told me that i was just being a friend. a friend supports, not discourages. a friend laughs and not scroffs. a friend accepts not reject. what kind of fucking friend have i been all this while.

and as more and more days go by, i feel myself losing it. i'm losing the faith i have in fairy tales and happily ever afters. i'm losing faith in time, in love. i probably have come to terms with never finding a person who i can trust completely. this situation has left me incredibly tainted and sore. and it's nobody's fault.

i'm sorry that i had to do this. but no one really can understand because the more i speak, the more muffled i get. it's really funny because halfway through, shaun just stared at me and said pardon?.

is it so hard to let go?

yes.