long goodbye

//hearing aid: -
// mood. i want my ah ma.

(warning. high emo alert.)

she is finally in ashes.

mandai crematorium is amazing peaceful and calm. its so zen and so quiet you almost forget why u are there.
to send off a loved on whom you will never see or touch or hold again. i think my whole family was very very aware of that little part.

we drove past her place where she lived since 1967. her final resting space. where she had her first grandchild brought in. where she had her first child get married. where she had 37 chinese new years, birthdays, xmases and whatelses. where she had her stroke in 1994. where my aunty took care of her every single day onwards.

where she finally collapsed and never went back again.

leaving her home behind was probably one of the hardest things to do. we lingered for a while, burning joss sticks and incense, touching the surroundings. i wondered where my dedicated-to-ah-ma saturdays will go, what family occasions will be like without a special little lady sitting there silently, smiling to herself.

we procceed on the ride to mandai, with matthew (my 3 year old nephew) on my lap. in a way, he made things better by making it worse.
"why is everyone so sad kuku?"
"ah ma is going far far away and we cannot follow her"
"but why we cannot follow her?"
"because ah ma has lived long and a good life. we haven't"
"but i want to follow ah ma."
"CHOY!" everyone yells.

upon that loud exclaimation, he sat sheepishly throughout the rest of the ride and talked about mediocre things like aeroplanes and resovouirs.

mandai was beautiful. the service or final rites were the nervewrecking.
it was time for ah ma to rest.

we were ushered to this small room, the viewing gallery. we were elevated and could see tracks where the coffin would travel and finally into the furnace.

i hate this part the most. this is the worst funeral i have ever been to. as the coffin approached the furnance, the incenerator opened and the red flames could be seen licking the coffin and the walls. everyone yelled, screamed, cried, bellowed and just tried to reach out to her one more time. my mom and i were buried in each other's arms.

i don't remember aunty dolly's one being so bad.

its over now. and she's in ashes. as we travelled back to lavender, i thought about how i wasn't there to see her go. i thought about how she was burning as we travelled away.
it still hurts and i miss her more every min. i can't help to think she is still sitting in her chair in toa payoh, waiting for us to visit.

i want my ah ma.