//hearing aid: dephazz - something


a kiss and a bite. i can't tell the difference.
kudos val & deviantart

she got the drift.

to someone who was at zouk with me last wednesday, the movies with me 2 weeks ago and 12 years of my life.

we were friends since we were six, longer than most of my friends today. you were at every birthday party, never forgot any important dates, you were my partner for 2 years in a row, for PE we were always a tag team and in class, we were the deragned duo who never stopped throwing paper at domi and anne.

its been years since we shared a bowl of campbell marcaroni and lined up for your seaweed chicken 3mins before the bell rang. its been too long since we sat down and had a decent conversation. you disappeared from my life and i from yours but somehow you were always at the back of my mind. you were always the tall friend, who every teacher called cassandra (which you hated) and who was the first to be subjected to phoebe's presents that were wrapped in layers and layers of newspaper. you never complained about it being so small or being so cheap. you always smiled that we remembered.

we were at other's birthday and we would come over all the time. remember pierre? i knew about him first and you knew about mikeal first too.

we use to run out of the swimming pool and sit in the sauna for 5 mins before jumping back into the pool. we would take turns to fart in the jaccuzi just to see if our bubbles could be seen amongst all the other bubbles.

remember your calf exercises which you did every day so your legs will be toned? the tip toe tip toe one. i still think it was bullshit. you were always picked on at assembly because you were so freakishly tall. and also because you were always talking.

we went to china together, shared a room. we wondered if a chinese murderer was lurking in the back of the curtains. we scaled the great wall and walked tiananmen together. we sneaked past teachers late at night to stay at chelsea and phoebe's.
we felt so adultish.

i remember your turtles which grew to a mutant size. how you would feed them so much and they would grow and you refuse to believe that you were behind their massive growth. i remembered i cried when i couldn't go to your slumber party and how i called and talked to you for 3 hours ranting about how i wanted my parents to die. you convinced me they deserved a worst death by living with ME for another 40 years or so. i laughed so hard that night.

i'm terrified i won't be able to laugh like that with you again.

liz, when you told me you were leaving, my heart sank. we haven't talked in 2 years since the prom. yet i can't get rid of this sinking feeling i have knowing you'll be leaving in 2 days. i will force myself to watch you walk through those doors and not turn back to singapore. only because for everything we've been through, this is probably the hardest thing i will have to do. let you go.

i feel like i'm making up for lost time. but yet there's not enough. there's just no time left for us and i don't want you to go. This horrible feeling. its like losing a loved one. no, it is losing a loved one.

i love you elizabeth cassandra nath. NZ is only like a gazillion miles away. nothing can beat our gazillion years of friendship and gazillion fats we share.



i still don't want you to go.

//hearing aid: let there be love - oasis



Who kicked a hole in the sky, so the heavens would cry over me?

zouk was fucking awesome. besides mr. groper who couldn't keep his hairy, scrawny hands to himself, things were good till i got high on ONE vodka.

no no, i'm a decent drinker, but rus's friend steven isn't a decent bartender. boo.
nonetheless we had fun, going mad with retro and rnb, yelling jumping humping romping. all that ever happens in a club.

i hate where i am now.
its a funny feeling when you're so up there and then a smallest thing happens to jolt you out of your happy place.
i sit here wondering if its just me or is there a fuge picture i'm missing.

you know when u feel that cringe when something happens to someone and not you. oh yes, jealousy
i feel jealous of people who think i'm perfectly secured with myself. i envy those who can't be bothered to care about the world around them.

rus said this to me that night while zouk was playing 'i heard a rumor' by bananarama.

"love is always greater then pride. if you put your pride over love, you're fucking screwed."
and i couldn't agree more.

i've been so happy these few days that i keep thinking something's coming up to screw me over. and all over again i'll be fucked.
i keep on thinking about every word muttered or everything that happens or that doesn't as an omen or a sign and
this brooding is tiring me out day after day especially
when school's being a bitch and when the teachers
think we're robots or fucking circles elephants
that can go on and on and on.
(wow. that's a effing long sentence)

i guess i got the cake. i just want the icing.

//hearing aid: lila - oasis


mr. green superhost made my day. and apparently val's too
nothing more, before val slaughters me.

shopping with desmond was quite a drag cos i just cannot stand sim lim square for some reason. i hate the untidyness and the lack of space in the mall. i cannot stand the bright neon blue and green lights at the shows. the million and one same things that everyone sells.

but nonetheless, i went. and he bought his headset.

then to buy his jeans, when i realised how darn skinny he is. i don't like u cos of that ok.

we had no where to go so we took a bus from bugis to tampines. slept the whole way through and somehow manage to squeeze time for a bite before his driving at four.

met val, adel and xb in town for a good dinner.
xb u do look butchy.

then tom yam goong for me and val.
the best thai flick.
omg. he's legs are jammed with speed and probably steriods.

a leader doesn't choose a situation, a situation chooses its leader.
well said, karen, well said.

zouk on the 23rd
china black one the 24th
liquid room on the 26th
china black on the 29th
dbl on the 1st
dxo on the 3rd
momo on the 3rd.

i'm gonna fuck myself penniless.

//seeing eye dog: i am sam on the tellie.

why isn't lucy coming home with me. she loves me and i love her.

i cried like four times already and its not even half way through the movie.
its one of those films that just reaches out and grabs you.
sean penn has become inspirational.
he's just so fucking good.


i'm just hope one day i will never have to see someone real to me make a decision that is as horrid as that.

all you need in love

//hearing aid: sometimes when we touch - dan hill

i'm just a another drifter, still trapped within my youth

my dad's favourite song sounds convienently gay. it came on in the car and he started "sometimes when we touch..." and i blurted out that it was suspicious like dan hill was singing to a guy. he glared at me in the rear view mirror.

"who taught you that?"
"taught me what?"
"homosexuality."
"um. school?"
"what? i pay 5k so you learn about gay people? what is the education coming to?!"

my mother, the life buoy, floats swiftly into the situation.

"haiya, its good she knows. Can you believe if she goes into a gay bar? she'll cry if she didn't know gay men exist."

thanks mom.

the car ride was filled with lesbian talk, gay sex (euwww) and the gay people in the workforce.
oh well, its one of those times when the family dares to speak about sex. and where me and my brother squirm.

speaking of cars, desmond's happily taking his license now. which is a big relief for me.
no more unable to eat at where i want to cos he needs to save moolah.
no more fussing over textbooks to buy.
more far-away places to go and explore once he can drive
no more excuses to not go anywhere.

i can't wait.

i really want to get my license, but i sort of see no need to do so now.
but seeing all my friends get their drive is getting to me.

sunflowers. where are they?

//hearing aid: i predict a riot - kaizer chiefs

i detest people who don't say thank you

i use to just take it that i'm the better person when it came to the ps and qs and not demand that people say them when they should. now i just think singaporeans are getting downright ungrateful and rude.

Case 1:
just the other day, i held a door for a lady who was a good distance away from me. i saw her coming and so i held the door for her.

happily, without a grin, she waltzes right past me and not with a single acknowledgement or anything.
NO NOD, NO SMILE, NO THANK YOU.

i just smiled and called out: "your welcome!".

she turned for a bit, startled as though i called out her name.
even then she just walked away puzzled.

Case 2:
getting fed up of people just being complacent, i went around doing a few more your welcomes and getting weird stares. oh come one, you never heard of your welcome?!

then finally i decided to push the envelope.

as usual, i held the door for a woman and she saunters right pass me.

"excuse me, you forgot something!"

"oh what?" she searches frantically in her bag

"your thank you." and i walked off

you need to learn how to apprieciate the people around you.
and bloody kindergarten kids are more polite then you.

ok. i shall not rant. i've got more impt things at hand.

shall we saatchi?

//hearing aid: hard to beat - hard-fi

Like a fist, can't resist you


karis afraid.

my brother's work.

//hearing aid: you'll be safe here - rivermaya

Nobody knows, just why we're here
Could it be fate, or random circumstance

i heard catholics are really bad people, is it true?

i heard this comment from a friend. it hurt a little that she thought or heard that people like me are bad. so i asked her if she thought i was bad and she said no.

i rest my case.

pearl's entry on religion spurred me to think. we catholics are being constantly under the eyes of the other demominations.
people ask me random questions and when we can't answer them, we aren't "true to the faith".

then my dear, can u answer all of religion's burning questions?

we believe in everything. saints, mother mary, jesus, angels. we believe that jesus came and went and will come again.
we believe in the holy trinity, the promises that God gave us.
so that's our difference.
we believe that whatever is here, is God.

it hurts me when people come up to me and say i shouldn't be catholic just because "we aren't as praise-worthy"
i hate people coming up to me and saying you still can be saved

i am catholic not satanic.

i don't need to stand up and raise my hands, look as if i am in a trance just so to praise Him.
i worship him softly and in my own time when i deem proper.
i pray to him when i'm alone. i sing to him in my heart.
i love God and will never forsake him.
even if i don't try to convert people.

many people say we should be more pro-active and get people to join the church.
i don't believe in that.
i say, lets concentrate on our souls, purifying it and making it whole.
rather than dragging people from the street to church.

i have so many christian friends who agree with me that there isn't much of a difference between them and me.
we have the same God. how different can it get?

crikes, i think i might get sued for this. haha oh well.
-

i spent the day at home and at holy cross for mass.
fr. jj is amazing at sermons.
it was about being selfish and not sharing your talents in ministry.
i had a sick satisfaction that i wasn't one of those
i should shoot myself.

the night was spent at mr prata with the youngest cousin.
he's grown so much since he came into my life.
gone are the days when i use to tease him about video games and toys.
we talked about politics, relationships and death.


the cousin shaun

then off to russ and ken. desmond, merlynn and nick joined.
home bound now. its good to be home.

put your heart, in my hands. you'll be safe here.

//hearing aid: you'll be safe here - rivermaya

close your eyes, wipe your tears, hold on. you'll be safe here

my sympathies and condolences to nick's family on the demise of your grandpa.
i'll pray for his soul. may his rest in peace.

i should have known
that 35 bucks for a dye job was too good to be true.
my hair has FOUR different highlights.
red, blonde, pink and brown/orange. not counting the black base.
i'm like every women in america. the blonde, the redhead and the brunette.

i'm happy for now
school's been kind to me. the projects sound promisingly bearable.
its been too long i've kinda lost my touch.
i kinda hate being in the situation i'm in. when i have to choose between my morals and my grades.
seem like an easy choice? nope.

he's special.
finally, desmond and me went out.
the plan was to just chow on cheap food and go home cos we have work to do.
but
we ended up having a expensive fantastic jap dinner
a long intelligent conversation over cake and coffee
and a long walk home together.
its nice to see him and still see the special spark in him.

i don't know what i like about him, i just know i do.

//hearing aid: bangras music.

ha. its so forbidden to type during class.

okie, as mr. bangras is talking about inspirational leaders like hitler and lky and all those fancy smashy people, i am here typing away oblivious to the fact that he might just come up to me, feel insulted that i actually said bangras music.

anyway, i'm kinda glad i'm back in school. sitting next to val and tammi, listening to adeline and her blabberings, finding out from val that indeed bird flu comes from birds, knowing that juan likes juicy contours, knowing liz has a button on her head...

its nice.

//hearing aid: beautiful mistake - rafe

hurry in my heart, her words are custom-made

with a death comes a new addition.

meet chole



she was adopted by an aunty (of sorts. we're complicated.) she's 2 and half, indonesian and speaks english like a one year old. well, she was just brought ia few weeks ago.

her tragic story is that her parents were killed in a militant attack in indonesia. she was rescued by a neighbour, together with her one year old brother, and later put in an orphanage.

her brother died about 10 months back.

my aunt was on a relief mission when she saw chole and at that time her brother. my aunt was so smitten by her, the min she got home she went about the adoption procedure. then finally, she's here. she giggles, she smiles, she never cries, she's got naturally curly hair.

her first english word was cookie. i just adore her.

other then that, my ears are nice now.

remember this?


after $2,300,



amazing what money can do.

thank you jules

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. karen
2. ren
3. nerak (just please don't ask.)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. fatimah
2. ah muey
3. lyford. (just please don't ask)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Eyes
2. Naturally straight hair
3. lips

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. fats
2. fats
3. fats

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. My grandma's scottish and thai
2. my grandpa's portuguese
3. my great-grandpa is dutch. (how come i'm so chinky?)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. hospitals
2. noises
3. BIRDS - crows, pigeons, flamingos, emus. everything.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. shampoo
2. cash
3. company

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. old 4/9 class shirt
2. girl boxers
3. plasters on my new ears.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. switchfoot
2. train
3. gorillaz

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
Right now, it's got to be ...
1. Everything - Rafe
2. 24 - Switchfoot
3. Sunny came home - shawn colvin

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. reassurance
2. humor
3. speech.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. i'm secretly lesbian
2. i've got every movie stub from the first movie i watched when i was 7.
3. i have to spend every single cent in my wallet to make me feel secure.

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. humor
2. senstivity
3. patience

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. sleeping
2. counting cash
3. raping my cousins. (please don't ask again.)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. pee
2. ask my brother if he smokes.
3. eat a cookie

THREE CAREERS YOU HAVE CONSIDERED:
1. newscaster in iraq
2. teacher
3. pr person

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. maldives
2. france
3. new york

THREE NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. kaelynn
2. karine
3. ray

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. get rich
2. get married
3. get out of here

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. (like jules) i act like i have a dick
2. all my best friends are boys
3. they all are convinced i am one

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. i have a pussy
2. i whine
3. i wear girl clothes. i try la.

THREE MALE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. julian hee
2. that guy on las vegas
3. that guy on will and grace

THREE FEMALE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. elizabeth hurley
2. catherine zeta jones
3. liv tyler

//hearing aid: with or without you (live acoustic) - U2

i can live, with or without you

it was a sad yet uplifting ceremony. 9 of his closest set out on a small boat to the outskirts of singapore.
one of us held a bundle of immaculately white roses. one of us held his remains on her lap.

the weather cleared in time for his burial. he wanted to roam free in the air and sea. so we decided to scatter (as a promise to him) his ashes in the sea. his wife was too scattered there.

as the choppy waters rose, we stood on a tiny deck singing the first line of nearer my God to thee before slowly fading out because we simply and conveniently forgot the words.

hosea was a good song to sing considering we all knew the words.

then slowly, each of us picked a handful of him, threw it out and watch it sink into the green waters.
then we threw a rose each, as if to say farewell.

when i looked behind, i saw a sea of white rose petals on the surface, the most beautiful.
we said our final goodbyes to uncle tom and headed back to shore.


his final resting place.

then off to the granny's place for a long overdue family lunch where the most amazing thing happened to my dad.

he offered to pay for uncle tom's funeral. so he would sign the cheque infront of us and pass it to my mom.
he wrote everything ok till it got to the signature where he just simply couldn't sign
6 times. 6 cheques. till now nothing.
he said there was a force against him. funny?

besides that we all gathered as a family. long overdue.
what uncle tom broke apart, he mended back as a family.
he would be so proud.

then off to merlynns and meet desmond
your dog is massive merlynn.

we ate at brewrks. amazing food.
we didn't drink.
we went to the japanese supermarket without buying a single japanese item.
we bought all other stuff.

weird.

had a great talk with them at tcc.
its amazing to have such great friends who
u never really knew u had.

classic moment: to avoid desmond from colliding with on coming waiter, merlynn sticks out her hand and shouts: "come!"

yes i know, i am blessed.

so are u uncle tom.

actually, it's not that simple.

its not. this death thing.
you think before he goes, you want him to be happy and dead.
so that he would not have to suffer anymore.
so that we don't have to see him lying there rotting away.

but then it happens. when he does die.

you change your mind
you want him around you and the family
not in that brown coffin, well, dead.
and you want him out of the furnance
next to you.

its funny how we contridict ourselves. the whole funeral was a big joke to some.
how we stand there with tears on our cheeks
but telling ourselves he's in a better place

then your mind plays little tricks on you.
a little story plays out on what he is doing now in 'heaven'
what he must be eating
is there cigarettes and beer there for him
are his dogs (who died too) there with him.
is he decked in white and gold
like those movies we see.

is he clean shaven or his moustache still there? he never could decide which was a better look.
is he bloated like he is on earth or is he thin like he was suppose to be?
was the sky grey 'on purpose' today?
or were we looking too much into it?

i'm just relieved its over. the crying game has stopped.
my grandma deserves an award.

i wonder what's worst: losing a husband, a sister or a son.

maybe i'll ask grandma one day.
or maybe i'll know one day.