give yourself some time to falter

the riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
i have to take myself away from you

amidst the corny moves and the heart-stopping mambo music,
the groppy hands and throbbing hips,
among the drunk horny ns boys,
and the gorgeous girls decked the halls,

i realised something so raw and unmistakably true.

i miss you so much that today, i nearly fell on my knees just to feel the ground shake.

it's not that i still love you, because i'm pretty sure i don't. not as much as i do anyway,
it's just that, i miss you. your hair as it falls across your forehead when it's matted with sweat.
the way you light up with passion
i miss your scent, a mix of musty old charm and comfort
the way you talk and over pronouce certain words.

i miss us. when we went on a whimsical pop-the-weasel chases.
i miss the way you knew what i was thinking about.
the way we always said the same things at the same time.

god, even the way you use to check girls out.
i miss the way we use to talk all night. the way we argued, the way you slammed the phone down on me and how i would cry and you could not sleep till we both could smile as we fell into dreams.

you and your games. your 101 different tactics for different games. i miss the way you would bore me to death about the trials and tribulations of your life and how you made me a fixture of your future.

i miss your intricate movements, the flick of your wrist when you tell the time.
the soft sounds you make when you eat, the way you slurp your noodles (though i hate that)
i miss your mismatched sense of humour, how you always think my jokes aren't funny.
when they actually are.

i fall hard and i fall fast. i hate to admit this, but tonight, when i was singing "together forever and never to part" with russell

i was thinking of you.


and once again, i don't love you. no i don't because it's very vulgar and you did it to yourself.

i just miss you. that's all