gripe friday.

attending mass today was really surreal.

i realised it was the first time since march that i had attended mass with the choir. i was washed with nostalgia. then came the doubt.

i doubt myself being apart of this entity called the community. it's like i'm there, flesh around bone and yet i'm somewhere else shaking my head in disappointment. today, i felt detached.

though, yes Jesus died for me today, hung on the cross and bared the weight of my sins, i was so distracted during service. i kept thinking about where to go if i stood up and left, and if i had faded would anyone notice.

call it a cry for attention, call it whatever you want. i just cannot see myself belonging anywhere anymore. i'm getting pissed off over every single thing.

you always disappearing, never truly devoting your time to us.
you always endearing, but such a pain as well.
you forever gossiping about everyone but never looking at the wrong you have done.
you never giving up, making me sick because i am forced not to give up.
you always making so much noise, i secretly wish i could staple your lips together.
you come and go, making me feel we don't matter.

you.