then she left.

//hearing aid: -

i don't even have a picture of her. for keeps sake.
i didn't even wake up in time to see her go. she went so peacefully. she just stopped. everything just stopped.
i don't even recognise her in the coffin. her face unreal and plastic. her lips pursed like never.

we all knew this day would come. where we had to gather our courage to say goodbye.
we were waiting for 11years now. the docs said she won't make it pass 6years. but.
she's my grandma. she's an out-doer.
but somehow... its harder then i can ever imagine.

went i reached the hospital
all i remembered seeing was the heartrate moniter showing 10 beats per second. the line raised slowly but surely.
my dad said she had stopped breathing a few mins ago. i looked carefully. her chest did not move.
and a wave of guilt waved over me.

i could kick myself now. i could have seen her go. seen her look at me for the last time. those glassy eyes.
but i chose not to. i chose an extra half-an-hour in bed instead of unconditional love.
i deserve not to be here.

and then.

the beep of the monitor interuppted my thoughts.
the nurse said out loud : "time of death, 8:50am".
850. a number i will never forget.

whilst everyone was holding on to her, wailing and crying, i could not help but stare into space wondering what's going on. before anyone could react, my aunt fainted. and we all were ushered out.

things just blurred. she's now in a coffin, laced with make-up i never saw her wore. her complexion looks fake. my grandma was just so particular about her skin. she wouldn't even put moisturiser on it. yet her skin remained baby soft and smooth, lined with years of wrinkles and crows feet.

when they brought her picture in, i can't believe how happy she looked. crystal clear smile gleemed across her face. a stark contrast to the peaceful pursed lips in the coffin.

i stayed with the family till 12am before we made our way home. in the car, my dad said its the seventh month and my grandpa came to take her home. she's waited 40 years for this and she's happy now.

i believe him.

and i cried not because she's gone.
but because i wasn't there when she wasn't.