long goodbye

//hearing aid: -
// mood. i want my ah ma.

(warning. high emo alert.)

she is finally in ashes.

mandai crematorium is amazing peaceful and calm. its so zen and so quiet you almost forget why u are there.
to send off a loved on whom you will never see or touch or hold again. i think my whole family was very very aware of that little part.

we drove past her place where she lived since 1967. her final resting space. where she had her first grandchild brought in. where she had her first child get married. where she had 37 chinese new years, birthdays, xmases and whatelses. where she had her stroke in 1994. where my aunty took care of her every single day onwards.

where she finally collapsed and never went back again.

leaving her home behind was probably one of the hardest things to do. we lingered for a while, burning joss sticks and incense, touching the surroundings. i wondered where my dedicated-to-ah-ma saturdays will go, what family occasions will be like without a special little lady sitting there silently, smiling to herself.

we procceed on the ride to mandai, with matthew (my 3 year old nephew) on my lap. in a way, he made things better by making it worse.
"why is everyone so sad kuku?"
"ah ma is going far far away and we cannot follow her"
"but why we cannot follow her?"
"because ah ma has lived long and a good life. we haven't"
"but i want to follow ah ma."
"CHOY!" everyone yells.

upon that loud exclaimation, he sat sheepishly throughout the rest of the ride and talked about mediocre things like aeroplanes and resovouirs.

mandai was beautiful. the service or final rites were the nervewrecking.
it was time for ah ma to rest.

we were ushered to this small room, the viewing gallery. we were elevated and could see tracks where the coffin would travel and finally into the furnace.

i hate this part the most. this is the worst funeral i have ever been to. as the coffin approached the furnance, the incenerator opened and the red flames could be seen licking the coffin and the walls. everyone yelled, screamed, cried, bellowed and just tried to reach out to her one more time. my mom and i were buried in each other's arms.

i don't remember aunty dolly's one being so bad.

its over now. and she's in ashes. as we travelled back to lavender, i thought about how i wasn't there to see her go. i thought about how she was burning as we travelled away.
it still hurts and i miss her more every min. i can't help to think she is still sitting in her chair in toa payoh, waiting for us to visit.

i want my ah ma.

ah ma's little girl.

they've been keeping me sane.
and very very busy.

suddenly
it just hits you.
emptiness
and that you are no longer
going to be sitting in that brown chair
no longer going to hold your great grand kids
no longer going to give me that toothless grin
or that approving smile.

until the day she was alive, she still asked if i knew how to go home on my own.
i am still ah ma's little girl.

then she left.

//hearing aid: -

i don't even have a picture of her. for keeps sake.
i didn't even wake up in time to see her go. she went so peacefully. she just stopped. everything just stopped.
i don't even recognise her in the coffin. her face unreal and plastic. her lips pursed like never.

we all knew this day would come. where we had to gather our courage to say goodbye.
we were waiting for 11years now. the docs said she won't make it pass 6years. but.
she's my grandma. she's an out-doer.
but somehow... its harder then i can ever imagine.

went i reached the hospital
all i remembered seeing was the heartrate moniter showing 10 beats per second. the line raised slowly but surely.
my dad said she had stopped breathing a few mins ago. i looked carefully. her chest did not move.
and a wave of guilt waved over me.

i could kick myself now. i could have seen her go. seen her look at me for the last time. those glassy eyes.
but i chose not to. i chose an extra half-an-hour in bed instead of unconditional love.
i deserve not to be here.

and then.

the beep of the monitor interuppted my thoughts.
the nurse said out loud : "time of death, 8:50am".
850. a number i will never forget.

whilst everyone was holding on to her, wailing and crying, i could not help but stare into space wondering what's going on. before anyone could react, my aunt fainted. and we all were ushered out.

things just blurred. she's now in a coffin, laced with make-up i never saw her wore. her complexion looks fake. my grandma was just so particular about her skin. she wouldn't even put moisturiser on it. yet her skin remained baby soft and smooth, lined with years of wrinkles and crows feet.

when they brought her picture in, i can't believe how happy she looked. crystal clear smile gleemed across her face. a stark contrast to the peaceful pursed lips in the coffin.

i stayed with the family till 12am before we made our way home. in the car, my dad said its the seventh month and my grandpa came to take her home. she's waited 40 years for this and she's happy now.

i believe him.

and i cried not because she's gone.
but because i wasn't there when she wasn't.

flyaway

//hearing aid: your the inspirtation - phil collins (from endless cd)
// mood. mush

my dad bought my mom an endless cd. you know the one with all the lovey dovey songs from air supply and elton john.
my mom's first response was : "why did you waste 19.90?" my dad said: "because you are worth it mah."

my brother took flight outta this mushy situation like a bird flying south (or was it north) and i just sat there reading my cleo mag. then the conversation procceeded to my mom saying she liked this and that and that the cd was nice and that my dad shouldn't have wasted 19.90 on her.

then my dad told me he wanted to buy the taufik album too. i freaked out. after telling him that indeed taufik isn't my cup of tea, i realised how come there were so many cds flying around.

apparently, a friend (prolly in the 50s too) introduced him to the world of... HMV. ah.

he bought 8 cds. one for my mom, 2 for my bro (apparently, my dad was listening to my bro complaining that HMV sells the jamaroquai and coldplay cd too ex) and two for me (the killers and gavin degraw) and the rest for him.

he's contented now listening to harry conick jr.

school's tiring. no motivation. maybe the classmates la. but still everyone's feeling the rush. i haven't seen kittylitter in 2weeks. i haven't drank teh-terik in 3 weeks. i haven't felt free in the longest time.

imissmyoldlife.

but at least i have these to keep me going for now.

waiting for?

//hearing aid: open your eyes - alterbridge
//mood. frumpy.

i've been waiting for pearl, desmond and kenneth for about an hour now. sitting at cali by yourself is refreshing.
they went for some briefing for a job offer. so i decided to tag along and hence here i am, enjoying free wireless, waiting for the longest time.

been pretty productive, working on news writing. kudos to pearl who lent me her lappy.
i'm getting edgy. when are they going to finish...

HIV convention was alright. sad pathetic turnout cos everyone figured the debarment list was out so it was ok to be out too. i unforunately, had to cover the event for newswriting. baaah. burn in hell newspaper.

i can't even remember what i did yesterday. oh yes today my brother locked me in the house.

our state of the art gate is so that if u lock outside, inside cannot be opened. oh wait it can be opened just that MY key cannot work inside. damn sad. so i had to sos to my dad, who is being paid quite a fair bit. But he can take leave anytime of the day, and have tea breaks an hour after his two hour break.

he must be an asset. i want to be asset and have 4 hour shopping lunch breaks too.

he sent me to school, sweet man he is. manange to rush to school only to find out ms ang was late and i could have taken a bus and still be on time. sorry dad.
the rest of the day was a blur of pearl's sacarstic remarks and such. now i am here waiting for nothing to happen. oh my god. i just got word that they just started.

i am doomed.

and school sucks shit.