i'm an artificial sweetener.

my wilting effort
our progress report
i'm only sure that I'm not sure
no doubt, artificial sweetener

today a ball came in,



a very nice basketball.



i had a ball of a time.
pardon the pun.


thanks everyone who prayed for and encouraged me and gab. it really warms my heart to know that i have some people to fall back on when the going gets tough. though he is gone, i know your prayers helped every step of the way.

i'm in a state of limbo. i didn't cry at the service, but my heart was aching. seeing a once strapping image of a young man succumb to the devices of nature was a little overwhelming. in our minds, humans are infallible. new disease? find a cure. lost a limb? join the special olympics.

losing some one you are so close to is paralysing. by fear and by physicality. i sometimes expect a call from him at 4 thinking he has just finished marking his artwork. i go to sleep and automatically want to msg a good night to him. then it hits me that he is not able to communicate to me. he's not able to touch or speak.

and then there's the overwhelming vunerablity you incur. he was my protector and now he collapsed before my eyes and wilted away like autumn leaves. beautiful but sad in a way.

i miss him, terribly at times, feverishly most of the time. i wasn't prepared. for anything of this sort. and the fact that i can go on with my life irks me and guilts me. i wondered why i haven't cried. why i haven't called out to him. why i haven't seen times where i cannot go on without him.



think i've been faking it all this while. sorry gab.

psalm 23.

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;


rest in peace, rest for now.

my sunday feeling is coming on over me

but with one more cigarette and i think i might.
till i get to put together,
well that old feeling can't get me right.
aqualung, my sunday feeling

spending time in the ecu is like a reality check.
just when you think you hit rock bottom and that your life is officially the worst, in enters sweet natalae (i think that's how you spell her name.)

with gab's situation not going too well, i was a panicking wreck on the verge of a breakdown. all she did was offer me a gummy bear.

natalae is from the philippines. she sits in the visitor's lounge with me sometimes, quietly at the corner. she sometimes reads the bible, sometimes she knits. most of the time, she's quiet. today, she saw me staring into space and she saw me and shaun fight.

"hey, do want a sweet?"

with that, i jerked out of the mess in my mind and took one. she asked me if i was fine, to that i answered what most people in a wreck would say to a stranger.

"i'm ok. thanks."

meeting her was, well, life changing. she asked me if i knew someone in ecu and i told her the gist about gab. she smiled, touched my hand and asked me to pray. then i realised she was here too.

natalae is hoping to be a PR in singapore. being born in the philippines, she can't. even if her dad is singaporean. he's been working hard to bring her over to singapore for 16 years. finally when she could come over and actually start becoming a PR, her dad is attacked by a gang somewhere. her mom, a filipino, is overwhelmed with sadness, she collapses and suffers a stroke.

her mom has been in ecu for 3 weeks, and in the hospital for 3 months. bills are piling and natalae has no means to pay for it. she has no family, no place to go.

she's staying in a student hostel now, and her dad left her nothing.

she smiled as i asked her what is she going to do.

"pray. Jesus never let me down."

i cynically laughed. Sometimes, i said, he plays around with you.

"no, he's taking care of things for someone else right now. he'll be back for me."

true faith? blind faith? i can't decide. but hearing her story, i was very touched. situation is not too bad for me. i make it seem like the whole world crashed on me. for her, it's literally like that now.

i hope she's ok. i'm looking forward to seeing her tml actually.



i know this is random, but i really need friends right now:
take my quiz, see if you really know me lar. do you know shit about karen?

sit back and let the evening go.

it was twenty years ago today
sgt. pepper taught the band to play
the beatles, sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band.

a long overdue thanks to yunwen who made a gorgeous necklance for me.



it's really pretty and on top of of that it's light. the material is very lightwwight so it feels awesomely comfortable.

Her website has tons of stuff ranging from simply out of the box jewellery (the rubics cube necklance, which i am dying to have.), classic and timeless pieces (check out her shakespeare collection) to pretty girly ones (see the garden party range.)

on top of that matt, my druglordhusband, has decided to unleash his talented side. voila, garage art is born.



his paintings sold like hotcakes at the Krunks II at sentosa over the national day weekend. very affordable also. ok lah, i'm bias but the krunks sales speak for themselves!

i've put up a "clear channel" at my side bar with links.
becoming advertisement friendly is a new step.




note: gab is still under but at least we all know what is wrong with him. ok, at least is not a good word to use because there's nothing i can do about it.

adventures of the birthday girl 1.

the botak jones saga.

click to enlarge.

limelight is to me like mojo is to austin powers.

and I was heaven bound

now who would have guessed milton's paradise lost could be found
but in the eyes of the dean
10cc, the dean and i.


today was an awesome day.
after a week of beeping machines, comas and ecu's, it was nice just to hang with an old friend.

dean and i headed out for a new episode of jalan jalan nasi padang.



we ate at this awesome nasi padang lunch at kampong glam cafe along arab street. the best part was this drink that is just perfect for a hot day and a rainy day. it's called katira or something to that extent. damn shiok.

we jalan to this old shop by the corner which sold every old school thing you can imagine. marbles, animal game, tops, chatek, old coke bottles from the 50s. and i got a box of bubbles. you know the one with the straw stick and the goo comes out of a tube and you got to paste it on the end of the straw?

i literally was the time traveller's pretend wife.

euphoric simple pleasures.



bubblegum fetish.

onward we cruised to the sultan mosque. at the whim of the moment, we decided to go discover malay culture in the sultan istana (palace). we go museum! and we pretended we lived in this old attap houses.

dean obviously was the mother, i was the cheeky beautiful fair daughter who had unacquitted love who is a bicycle rider in the village.



see my mother in the 60s? she's making faces at me because i'm standing at the gate talking the the bicycle man.

the night came and i met up with 3 of my oldest friends. 14 years of our lives were dedicated to our friendship.

these girls made the night perfect.

but that should be a pictorial, and sadly we laughed so hard till the photographer fell asleep before she uploaded anything.




i never understood before.
my heart was weak my head was sore.
what a feeling.

haha, very funny.

Dear God,

you always made me wish I was more detailed.

firstly, thanks for letting gab live. that's one thing i can be grateful for.

ok so as prayers are answered,
you have fulfilled your title as the Almighty who answers prayers of desperate people.

but then, what's the point of this prayer getting answered?
yes, gab's awake and "well". he's got a little getting use to to do. his speech a little slurred but the doc said it will be ok in a few days.

he can turn and twist his head, arms and feel his legs. he's basically got his psycho-motor skills checked out.

but then, what's the point of giving him almost everything back to normal?
the worst part, is that it is something i find hard to deal with the most.
an insult to me. my worst fear, some would call it.

yeah, i asked for him to wake up.
couldn't you just throw in an assumption?
why didn't you just assume that i wanted everything just the way it was before?

now, that i have been tested, trialed and push to the brink,
you are giving me an option to walk away?
wah lau. you damn sneaky.
you know me so well, why didn't you warn me? give me a sign? rain for ten days, ask me to build an ark or prepare me for his never-return?

prepare me. prepare me for him never be able to put back our rubics cube.
now, when i have thrown myself into all that is his,
you want me to bail.
or i want me to bail.
or you want me to want to bail.
haiya, i'm confused.

you are suppose to know what lies ahead. just a glimpse would not hurt you know.
i don't blame you, God. i blame myself for not being clearer, put in more details, be more merticulous in prayer.

he doesn't remember me.
i just faded into his coma. he woke up, but that part of me didn't.
henry is just as upset. he doesn't recall the times henry and him went kayaking and kaya-ing at sentosa.

all he remembers is i was someone special - deduced to the pictures we have.
but why i was special? he can't.


thanks God.
next time, i will be more detailed in desperate situations.

do you disappear.

but reaching out you disappeared
for real you are so very far
xandria, so you disappear.

my god.
oh my god.


i can't be here. it's a dream.
he was fine. he asked me to dapao fish porridge.
i made fun of his funny chinese accent.

three days ago he leaned across a tree and bantered about how camps change your life.
two days ago, i stood just a beach across from him at a party while he braved the jungle.
a day ago, we spoke for 10 secs so he could sleep and recover from fatigue.


if i knew that yesterday might be the last time i could hear your voice,
i would hold the line.

you have a long to do list:
there's school to go to.
there's your kids' art to mark.
i haven't given you a good grade stamp.
you and i have not gone to JB with shaun to makan
shaun has so many things he needs to say to you.
henry and you made plans this week to go kayaking.
i made plans with you to go catch forbidden chestnuts at the end of the year.
you've not paid off your loans
you've not cleaned the top of your kitchen cabinet.
you've probably have not cleaned your ashtray at the side of your bed.
videoezy dvds have to be returned.
you had a project you were doing that you wanted to tell me about.
shaun wants his silk grey tie back.
liana bought you a pair of clogs from holland.
we have plans to go to the botanical gardens this weekend


see, gab, don't u dare bail on us now.
it's not right.


i just need you to wake up.

beautiful nation.

i want to be beautiful
so beautiful like you
so hard to believe
cinder, ugly.

i read an article in the new paper (13 aug 07) about ch5's newest addition to it's prime time tv slot, live the dream.

live the dream, another template reality singing competition for passionate (sometimes delusional) hopefuls to tantalize young or naive locals to throw their pennies into voting.

i hope you get the idea that i don't find favor in these 'reality' tv shows ala singapore idol.

but after reading the article, and how unforgiving a journalist can be for a person's appearance, i felt the surge of animosity and pity for the contestants.

the article talked about the show's lack of eye candy (quote:"average looking and out-of-shaper crooners") and the lack of x-factor. the article carried on to compare it to singapore idol (of all shows) and the fact that the sms voting system would lure live the dream into the death trap of a popularity contest.

lack of eye candy?
firstly, if you want to compare a bmw7series to a toyota corolla, we all know in terms of luxury the bmw wins hands down.

singapore idol embodied young, pubescent teenagers living the dream of having dozens of equally young and flippant teenagers cheering them on. teenagers. they chose songs they liked not songs that enforce their dramatic voices. they spoke about their favourite neighbourhood hangouts which consists of coffeeshops and prata stalls. they had scandals that involve young puppy love. they are teenagers. fine, some were on the cusp of adulthood. but young. some far too young to even comprehend or have the same type of lives adults have.

live the dream? made of professionals. people who fought for their passions. singing in bars and pubs. if one might think that the singapore's bar/pub singing life is as glamourous and enchanting as the likes of hollywood movies, you have it wrong. struggling, paid peanuts and worn out.

the writer saying these passion driven hard working singers look less aesthestically pleasing then their teen bopper counterparts is just absurd. why not compare the actual context of the competition? the singing?

i dare to say all the finalist can sing incredibly. when i say sing i don't mean 'hold a note' kind of singing. anyone can do that. i'm talking 'america's got talent 11-year-old girl" kind of singing.

lack of x factor?
oh come on. take look at picture perfect international examples of rejects-turned-famous. jessica simpson failed to get into the mickey mouse club which launch careers of justin timberlake and britney spears. there are many other examples of stars that have failed numerous times but become part of the illustrious x-factor club.

these contestants are raw. they might be professional but they are raw and unpolished right now. wait a few weeks, give them a chance. comparing them to stunning beautiful andrea fonseka and gorgeous asian beauty michelle chia is hardly fair! judging them from episode one is an obvious jump to conclusion.

i for one think that fendi from the lot has one of the most unique and soulful voices i have ever heard. his voice made me stop in my tracks. no one from any reality series local or international has ever made me stop and listen. the x-factor? i think he has it.

this is just an opinion, a view on my part. sometimes it comes out wrong, i apologise. in no way am i attacking the writer because i've read alot of her work and i really like her writing. it was an opinion on her part as well, one i don't agree with.

is this world really all about beauty? about skinny pretty people?
would you watch an overweight or pockmarked, girl with a beautiful voice sing?

britan did.
only to make her lose weight in the course of her career.

singapore kinda did.
and she's now the ambassador to a slimming centre.


see, there's just no running away.



maybe he was right after all.

the speed so fast I felt like I was drunk

you got a fast car
but is it fast enough so you can fly away
you gotta make a decision
you leave tonight or live and die this way
tracy chapman, fast car

after a wave of nostalgia courtesy of class 95, i dug up my old tracy chapman cd and pushed play. it seems like a long time ago.

the past few days were like shooting up drugs - fast rush of blood to my head, fast and utterly euphoric.

dinner with the gang was long overdue, and i was glad that everyone i called could make it. it was just us+steph, meanie, ros, janice and brian at a wonderful gift of God called botak jones and brewski jones.

9 dishes, 6 shots and litres of cheap damn good beer later, we were living on cloud 10. i haven't gotten smashed for a long time, this time the tequila worked its magic. i experienced totally 'anarchy' of my mind. this blackness just takes over u and you just become weightless and somewhat troubleless.

not that i'm saying you should get drunk all the time, it was a great escape from the national day operatic chorus and all the things that i've been shouldering.

under kenneth's place we headed where there were apparently choruses of patriotic songs like 'home' and 'stand up for singapore'. there were people sleeping through the events. there was moments of pure hilarious banter.

most of all, all my closest friends surrounded me, be it horizontal or vertical. i felt safe. it was the best feeling this year.

when i opened my eyes on saturday, i just laid in bed and thought of the night. i was a long time since i felt alive to wake up and go through a day. from lunch to dinner to nick's party, it was painless.

happy birthday to me then. well done for surviving the twenty years i was put on this earth. purpose in life? not sure yet. but i'm getting a little closer to it each day.

happy birthday to nick too. the big 21. my abang, though sometimes i feel hostile toward you, when you turn up in person, i understand why we're friends. we just click. from our devil curry recipes to our exchanges on funk music, you have made my life different.


separately
thanks mer for the most meaningful present i have ever gotten. the effort, the painstaking details, the thought put into it, is just amazing how much i really mean to you. i've read every single thin you have put in the present and it just reinforces the fact that i love you girl.

thanks for brian for that wonderful cd. it was wrapped with so much thought too, from the stamps to the wax imprint of your 'b', the wrapping paper is still intact!

thanks meanie for the bracelet, i wore it whole of today. it really just fits my wrist and my persona. beautiful and intricate.

thanks char for planning and making sure the gathering was seamless, even losing your wallet in the process. i know i poke fun at you all the time, you're so adorable sometimes it hurts. i don't know how i'll survive without you.

thanks to kev for the anna sui ring. anna sui is very swee. i'm so happy u put thought into it. thanks for coming down yesterday and making sure i was ok the whole night.

lastly, thanks to russ, mel, kenneth. no no, i shouldn't say thanks to you. i should say thank you for you. you guys make my life complete.



city lights lay out before us
and your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
and i had a feeling that i belonged

taking peoples lives

the other side of you
tells you what to do
pull that trigger now
snitch, you hold the gun

the saturday was spent at red star, only the most scrumptious dimsum place in singapore. it was back to the old days where aunties would wear hongkong type fashion, pushing carts of steam hagau, siewmai, chok, stewed pork ribs and fried yams. the decor was pretty old school too, festive red carpets and historical cutlery.

considering we spent 3 and a half hours there, consuming more than 30 types of dimsum, i think i really like it. the company of nneth', steph, janice and cassie made it a perfect way of spending a saturday morning.

caught disturbia (2007)



with shia lebouf in it and it claiming to be a remake of Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window, i was pretty excited about it. it was either this of halle berry in perfect stranger. ugh.

disturbia was thrilling no doubt, but nothing compared to hitchcock's brilliant film. it was peppered with urking scenrios which will make you sit up and direct the victim where to go because he is doing the opposite of what every sane person in an emergancy would do.

i would recommend it on a weekday, not a weekend. oh, and if you are a guy trying to get into a girl's pants, this movie might work.

baybeats was, fast. me and mer spent more time eating at yoshi then actually cheering on the bands. we're too old for the jumping, drum beats and young kids. most of all the noise, the crowd and the lack of breathing space got to us.

i caught two shows over the weekend: Bowling for Columbine and A very Long Engagement



this is by far the best michael moore documentary i have seen. this beats farenheit 911 even though that was good too.
not too much here, i intend to speak very strongly about guns soon



this was a show i wanted to catch eons ago. what attracted me was the promising story line and how it was more of a historical movie than an actual love-me-lost-you film.

i hated it.

too complicated a plot. the worst part was the ending. it left a dry taste in my mouth because it was so abrupt. the ultimate question - is he alive or not - was answered, but the main theme of the story was a special insatiable love two young adolescents had. the whole story encompassed that and then at the climax, it fails to deliver what an audience would call, a hollywood moment.

i did like the filming. it was safe filming, a lot of cuts, a lot of good 180degree rules obeyed. even though it was safe, the film called for this system. the colours of the film were very dark and goth, too much funny camera work might have confused the audience.

on top of that, don't you just find gaspard ulliel absolutely edible?







that's my idea of a french revolution.

mary moon will outlive all the septaugenarians

she don't eat the meat but
she sure like the bone
dead eye dick, new age girl.

i'm talking in codes for this one, if you think you get it, you aren't involved. people in this know its them.

the emm retreat was, different.

the good was that there was meaning to everything we did, and there was reason to push forward as emm. there was growth, and shrinking of pride. there was loud banter and silent internal struggles. i saw things that after 8 years with emm, i have never noticed.

everyone was a different colour. different hues, different tones of warm and cool. every person reflected a light, like a prism but more complexed.

the bad, honestly, too many to even list. the worst part of the camp, ironically, was the fact that everyone was there. there were no clinques, no holds bar. it was 30 individuals living together, apart and all day long.

i hate camps sometimes because they are the appetizers to drama. i hate that all it needs is a single four word sentence, gesture of a finger, a twinge of a face and a roll of an eye to change everything.

the conflicts were kept tight and light this time, nothing really blowing out of proportion till the camp was almost over. some people should hold their tongue. a simple reason being that not everyone thinks like you do.

some people should keep their eyes and thoughts to themselves. he feels uncomfortable, i feel uncomfortable, she feels uncomfortable. i can literally feel the stare grazing across my shoulders and down my spine.

if you refuse to save your heart, at least save your dignity.

the most annoying part was that i actually fell for it.
i fell for the beady eyes, the pitiful sighs and the tragic incidents that pepper your life. i fell for the squeaky voice, the wallflower presence.

now, even though i feel i am poking my nose into a between him-and-you situation, i at the same time, feel i have to do it to guard him. because i think he deserves to be helped.

life throws you in the deep end of the pool, not without telling you how deep it is. it's just biting at me that now, i have to turn around and shed the me i want her to know, and present my real feelings.

you know i'm doing this for you, because i love you.
and i'm willing to take that risk.

on top of that, the camp became a real eye opener to a little box at the back of my mind. i thought i burnt it along with my emotional baggage over a year ago. in fact, this hidden box came back to haunt me.

inside this box, is well, lack of a better word, unresolved barricades. it's not a big problem, not a small one either. it can be ignored but if i face it, i might open another can of worms.

wah lau, go one camp also so many shit.

well, i'm glad at least this week, i managed to hang loose and spend some time with my friend heinekin. i haven't tasted alcohol for months now. blame it on the two-o. but that night, i decided to let my self go and go ahead and get smashed.

unfortunately, i did not get smashed. by 5am, i was so sober, i headed home bound. said good day to the under 18s who whet their lips with booze, and hugged the above 18s with a sense of maturity.

we've grown up

facing the 'kids', i saw myself and my friends when we were 16. the void deck tryst, the careless days that go by, the fingers that scented with poison, the lips watered with indulgence. where did we go from there?

anyway, thanks ashley for the invite, the booze, mini pizzas, mutant ninja turtles and the reassurance that any guy who offends me will get a black eye.




i've grown up now
i wish i could measure resentment
with a giraffe type ruler
on a wall.

i wonder why i feel so high

though i am not above the sorrow
as i lay me down, sophie hawkins

yes, i am unemployed


quit, fired, retrenched, resigned, it doesn't really matter because i'm done with my company. it was a premature departure but i'm not sore about it. probably because it was something i wanted for a long time, but did not have the guts to do.

finally a surge of overwhelming power and resolution came and bam, i was packing my table. no tears, just plenty raised voices, a heightened sense of liberation and decadence.

i feel bad because now the company is left with one less person who will do all the mundane tasks like calling media and pitching (this was meant to be sacarstic). i met some "potential" replacements, but i can say safely, please if you answer the phone, there will be hell to pay.

what ever it is, i'm done with the company, i'm done with my cousin, i'm done with events and pr for now. all there is is the anticipation of new school for the 4th time in my life and a horde of new eligible classmates including edric poon.


time to soak up the sun.