long goodbye

//hearing aid: -
// mood. i want my ah ma.

(warning. high emo alert.)

she is finally in ashes.

mandai crematorium is amazing peaceful and calm. its so zen and so quiet you almost forget why u are there.
to send off a loved on whom you will never see or touch or hold again. i think my whole family was very very aware of that little part.

we drove past her place where she lived since 1967. her final resting space. where she had her first grandchild brought in. where she had her first child get married. where she had 37 chinese new years, birthdays, xmases and whatelses. where she had her stroke in 1994. where my aunty took care of her every single day onwards.

where she finally collapsed and never went back again.

leaving her home behind was probably one of the hardest things to do. we lingered for a while, burning joss sticks and incense, touching the surroundings. i wondered where my dedicated-to-ah-ma saturdays will go, what family occasions will be like without a special little lady sitting there silently, smiling to herself.

we procceed on the ride to mandai, with matthew (my 3 year old nephew) on my lap. in a way, he made things better by making it worse.
"why is everyone so sad kuku?"
"ah ma is going far far away and we cannot follow her"
"but why we cannot follow her?"
"because ah ma has lived long and a good life. we haven't"
"but i want to follow ah ma."
"CHOY!" everyone yells.

upon that loud exclaimation, he sat sheepishly throughout the rest of the ride and talked about mediocre things like aeroplanes and resovouirs.

mandai was beautiful. the service or final rites were the nervewrecking.
it was time for ah ma to rest.

we were ushered to this small room, the viewing gallery. we were elevated and could see tracks where the coffin would travel and finally into the furnace.

i hate this part the most. this is the worst funeral i have ever been to. as the coffin approached the furnance, the incenerator opened and the red flames could be seen licking the coffin and the walls. everyone yelled, screamed, cried, bellowed and just tried to reach out to her one more time. my mom and i were buried in each other's arms.

i don't remember aunty dolly's one being so bad.

its over now. and she's in ashes. as we travelled back to lavender, i thought about how i wasn't there to see her go. i thought about how she was burning as we travelled away.
it still hurts and i miss her more every min. i can't help to think she is still sitting in her chair in toa payoh, waiting for us to visit.

i want my ah ma.

ah ma's little girl.

they've been keeping me sane.
and very very busy.

suddenly
it just hits you.
emptiness
and that you are no longer
going to be sitting in that brown chair
no longer going to hold your great grand kids
no longer going to give me that toothless grin
or that approving smile.

until the day she was alive, she still asked if i knew how to go home on my own.
i am still ah ma's little girl.

then she left.

//hearing aid: -

i don't even have a picture of her. for keeps sake.
i didn't even wake up in time to see her go. she went so peacefully. she just stopped. everything just stopped.
i don't even recognise her in the coffin. her face unreal and plastic. her lips pursed like never.

we all knew this day would come. where we had to gather our courage to say goodbye.
we were waiting for 11years now. the docs said she won't make it pass 6years. but.
she's my grandma. she's an out-doer.
but somehow... its harder then i can ever imagine.

went i reached the hospital
all i remembered seeing was the heartrate moniter showing 10 beats per second. the line raised slowly but surely.
my dad said she had stopped breathing a few mins ago. i looked carefully. her chest did not move.
and a wave of guilt waved over me.

i could kick myself now. i could have seen her go. seen her look at me for the last time. those glassy eyes.
but i chose not to. i chose an extra half-an-hour in bed instead of unconditional love.
i deserve not to be here.

and then.

the beep of the monitor interuppted my thoughts.
the nurse said out loud : "time of death, 8:50am".
850. a number i will never forget.

whilst everyone was holding on to her, wailing and crying, i could not help but stare into space wondering what's going on. before anyone could react, my aunt fainted. and we all were ushered out.

things just blurred. she's now in a coffin, laced with make-up i never saw her wore. her complexion looks fake. my grandma was just so particular about her skin. she wouldn't even put moisturiser on it. yet her skin remained baby soft and smooth, lined with years of wrinkles and crows feet.

when they brought her picture in, i can't believe how happy she looked. crystal clear smile gleemed across her face. a stark contrast to the peaceful pursed lips in the coffin.

i stayed with the family till 12am before we made our way home. in the car, my dad said its the seventh month and my grandpa came to take her home. she's waited 40 years for this and she's happy now.

i believe him.

and i cried not because she's gone.
but because i wasn't there when she wasn't.

flyaway

//hearing aid: your the inspirtation - phil collins (from endless cd)
// mood. mush

my dad bought my mom an endless cd. you know the one with all the lovey dovey songs from air supply and elton john.
my mom's first response was : "why did you waste 19.90?" my dad said: "because you are worth it mah."

my brother took flight outta this mushy situation like a bird flying south (or was it north) and i just sat there reading my cleo mag. then the conversation procceeded to my mom saying she liked this and that and that the cd was nice and that my dad shouldn't have wasted 19.90 on her.

then my dad told me he wanted to buy the taufik album too. i freaked out. after telling him that indeed taufik isn't my cup of tea, i realised how come there were so many cds flying around.

apparently, a friend (prolly in the 50s too) introduced him to the world of... HMV. ah.

he bought 8 cds. one for my mom, 2 for my bro (apparently, my dad was listening to my bro complaining that HMV sells the jamaroquai and coldplay cd too ex) and two for me (the killers and gavin degraw) and the rest for him.

he's contented now listening to harry conick jr.

school's tiring. no motivation. maybe the classmates la. but still everyone's feeling the rush. i haven't seen kittylitter in 2weeks. i haven't drank teh-terik in 3 weeks. i haven't felt free in the longest time.

imissmyoldlife.

but at least i have these to keep me going for now.

waiting for?

//hearing aid: open your eyes - alterbridge
//mood. frumpy.

i've been waiting for pearl, desmond and kenneth for about an hour now. sitting at cali by yourself is refreshing.
they went for some briefing for a job offer. so i decided to tag along and hence here i am, enjoying free wireless, waiting for the longest time.

been pretty productive, working on news writing. kudos to pearl who lent me her lappy.
i'm getting edgy. when are they going to finish...

HIV convention was alright. sad pathetic turnout cos everyone figured the debarment list was out so it was ok to be out too. i unforunately, had to cover the event for newswriting. baaah. burn in hell newspaper.

i can't even remember what i did yesterday. oh yes today my brother locked me in the house.

our state of the art gate is so that if u lock outside, inside cannot be opened. oh wait it can be opened just that MY key cannot work inside. damn sad. so i had to sos to my dad, who is being paid quite a fair bit. But he can take leave anytime of the day, and have tea breaks an hour after his two hour break.

he must be an asset. i want to be asset and have 4 hour shopping lunch breaks too.

he sent me to school, sweet man he is. manange to rush to school only to find out ms ang was late and i could have taken a bus and still be on time. sorry dad.
the rest of the day was a blur of pearl's sacarstic remarks and such. now i am here waiting for nothing to happen. oh my god. i just got word that they just started.

i am doomed.

and school sucks shit.

blank.

//hearing aid: coffee - copeland
//mood. blank

there's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come

schools a chore.
i've been sleeping at 3am almost every night. waking up early and not eating right. there's just so many things going through my mind now. school, work, projects, family.

i think i'm headed head first into a break down. just feel really suffocated with all the stressed. everyone's getting grumpier, sleepier and frumpier by the min.

besides that, i haven't seen my granny in a week and i feel so horrible. i feel guilty. shall see my granny on saturday. i've already set aside 2 hours. i noe it seems little but the damn hospics only lets two hours of visiting. silly.
i miss her. and i noe she misses me too.

the event coming up is going great. everything seems smooth enough. finally confirmed bands for the night. RAFE and Audio Insanity. come come. everyone's invited.

i really hope i'm making the right decisions.
i'm just blank.

photo.

the birthday


please be nice. my classmates and i are tainted.

long.

//hearing aid: fields of gold - eva cassidy
//mood. i hate unity

unity is the nursing home my granny has been transferred to.
our family doesn't want to choke up hospital bills. according to the docs, everything but her heart is failing. she's struggling to hang on.

i went to unity today. the minute i got out of the car, the smell of powder, pee and death overwhelmed me.
walking thru the wards just made me feel helpless.
it felt like a transistion.

my granny has a bed next to a huge window that overlooks a basketball court and a beautiful upgraded heartland.
the sheets are clean, the nurses friendly, the place a sullen yellow. there are other old women in her ward who seem trapped in their own bodies.

everyone there has a similar face. liver spotted, with helplessness written all over. their eyes seem to lose hope of ever seeing happiness every again. i think i saw tears.

when i walked into the ward, i saw my granny. she had shrunk even smaller then i remembered. lying on her side, her face seemed so sad. i walked to her and said hi. but my dad said don't.
it hurts him to not speak to her too. but according to some buddhist nun (no offence to anyone here), she must be left in isolation so she can go off in peace.

i think its the most cruel thing anyone can ever do.

put her in the world's most dreary place then leave her to struggle and immobile. (the latest stroke left her left side of the body paralysed and her muscles around her mouth atrophied.) and the worse part? there's is placard at each bed that has a picture of the patient with tubes and looking sick and all. On the card is 'my name is:', 'i speak:" and 'i am unique because'.

'i am unique because i need to watch my diet'
'i am unique because i stay awake all the time'
'i am unique because i need you to help me with oral hygiene'
unity mocks you when u are helpless. please, these people are dying. be tactful.

when i excused myself to walk out, my brother asked if i was ok. i shook my head.
"is it because it dawned on you it might be you on that bed sixty years from now?"

"no you fucking shithole. its because it dawned on me it could be you, mom or dad on that bed a week from now. life's a bitch. you never know when its gonna bite at you." with that i exited.

a huge commotion then happened just as i stepped back into the ward. my grandma starting crying.
huge drops of tears were streaming down her face. the whole family was trying to hush her but the more we coax the more tears came down. since she couldn't speak or move, she cooed and cooed.

"she wants to speak but she can't. she just can't!" my aunt burst. the nurse adviced us to leave at once. it was getting too emotional for her.

we watched at they drew the curtains around her bed. they've been using this sucking device to suck out all the mucus because she can't do it on her own. the sound of her coughing and cooing and the sound of the device is the worst song i have ever heard. there's a slight rhythm to it. a sick sonata.

so without a goodbye, we all just disappeared. walked past the woman who was tied to her own bed, past the woman whose glassy eyes stared into the blankness and past the last one next to the window. she stares out hopefully.

i sit here wondering what she's thinking now. a women trapped in her own body. with both physical and emotional trauma and pain. i wonder if she's sobbing, unable to lift her hands to catch her own tears and to wipe her mucus. i wonder if she's trying to say i love u in cantonese to every single one of us, but her body refuses to let her. i feel so guilty for enjoying myself the past few days. i didn't even think she heard my happy birthday to her.

i vowed to myself and to desmond i will never put anyone of my family members into that place. i'll hire a maid, pay for a hospital, anything. i don't want them to suffer before they die.

ah ma, let go. its time for you to be happy.

happy happy birthday

//hearing aid: miss ang
//mood. finally a happy birthday

okie
let's just say my dream of coming back here and saying what a moron i was for feeling angsty last night has come true.

i am a moron for feeling angsty last night.

i have the best classmates.
because
they con you to believing they forgot your birthday
then spring a suprise cake out of nowhere
then con you to believing that they won't smash your face into the b-e-a-u-tiful cake
but in the end they do.

then they actually let u smash cake all over them just for fun [i believe i got them instead of they letting me]
then they invite you to chase them into the male toilet
then they tell u they love u and happy birthday
then they steal your chunky cookies which were given by them anyway.

ah. i think my classmates "rockxxx worxxx lahz" (quote from my cousin's friend.)

happy birthday

//hearing aid: the remedy - jason mraz
//mood. i think i need a gun

its an hour into my birthday
and already i'm hating it.

all i wanted to do was to do something I WANTED to do on the ONE DAY I CAN MAKE A CHOICE.
all you did was whine
all you did was oblige then turn around
and call me an over-bearing, self-centered, attention seeking bitch.

so far the worse birthday ever.
pearl's theory on how u are depressed on your birthday is true.
fucking true.

now i don't even want to go for the gathering.
its just not in the mood. to celebrate or to do anthing. thank you for ruining my one day
you know, by tml, i'll just go and have the best time of my life and then come here and say how wrong i was to judge.

lets hope that happens.

the saddest happiest birthday of the years.

free.

the sink in coccolatte.

//hearing aid: daysleeper - r.e.m
//mood. night sleeper.

it is offical. school has taken over my life.
lets see. karen has no life till 22septmeber.
i feel totally solid.

i was at the national day parade outskirts yesterday, squeezing with 100 000 other smelly, sweaty people with digicams waiting for ten mins of fireworks.
the difference is the company of course.
i would be lying if the fireworks were worth the wait. It lasted wat 5mins? each so ten mins altogether. For that ten mins, it was ectasy. everyone was cheering, clapping. the sweat droplets from the man next to me didn't bother me anymore. it was almost magical.
but then getting home and getting there was enough to make me forget that shiver down my spine.
we walked from esplanade, with the mob of course, till beach road. Everyone refuse to listen to the police.

they wanted us to go in the underpass. hello there are 100000 people. in that one underpass. it shall be called the underpass-out.

finally made it back and chowed on macs then he went home cos he's shoes were eating his feet inside out.
i had one of the best national days so far.

its my birthday in like a few. and i only have three wishes
1. my grandma to either live or die. not be in this state of limbo
2. my family to stay strong
3. the above to fucking become true.

i think its about time to be an adult.

daddy

//hearing aid: one week - barenaked ladies
//mood: pity

so far so good. i think work has been okie so far. got newswriting tml and i'm scared shit of being editor.
i'm scared shit of doing a website.

but besides that, i think my I&E team have finally hit the jackpot. we're looking for more people to join us but that means putting in money and effort into this.
my teacher said it was a sure pass and a sure go.
its great to find that spark again.

did nothing much but go shopping with desmond. he bought a pair of flaming red, fiery fierce pumas. to tell u the truth, i was erk by it for a while but then, it looked pretty good with his jeans.
haiya, there was NO WAY i could have talked him outta buy it so i might as well like it right?

besides that, my granny's birthday is in a day. she's still in the same state she was. i just wish it will all be over. i don't even care if it happens on my birthday.

my dad cried today

i have NEVER in my whole 18years of living seen my father cry. never. in fact my mom said she only saw him cry twice (including today) in all the 33years they know each other. i saw him collapse in the hallway of the hospital.

for a short while, i felt pity surging in the pit of my stomach. i wanted to give him a hug. he seemed so helpless and alone. when he saw me standing at the door, he just shook his head and told me to go back inside.

"please don't tell anyone that i cried. i have to be strong for them."

i never ever thought so highly of my dad.
i just nodded my head and told him to be calm and just pray to God.
my dad said he already did. and he is not a believer.

its times like this i'm glad i'm around.

photo hunt

//hearing aid: The Way - Fastball
//mood. soul'd


saw this at a toy shop. yes its detachable and yes its available for kids.
what are they doing to taint our minds?!

oh well. rogue was a huge disappointment. firstly, the event ended before i could even step into the club. met mel and mer to drink a bit (ok a bit too much) and then we reached rogue at 1125pm. party ended i'm sorry.

so we together with the rest hopped to coccolatte expected a huge crowd. omg there were 3 guys. that's it. and us about 10 of us la. We got free entry... for the girls, free drinks and the whole club to ourselves. madness.
we danced and dance but i puked about twice almost 3. omg orgasmic.
val wasn't feeling good too. i decided i'd better send her home. in the end, she sent me home. haha


valerieeeee.
got home and conked. i need to sleep.

morning was a blur. besides hearing felix rant about radio, i can't really remember what happened. i know i laughed all the way home with pearl and calvin in the taxi.
for some reason, pearl has an attraction to shan.

i also know adeline makes the sexist sack i have ever seen.

and yes those aren't her hands.

newswriting's a biatch.
webD's not looking too bad.
i'm so glad the weekend's here.

dear daddy

take away her tears. i know she has her fears. she says she hears them calling, all the fights and brawling. she wish her soul to peace, her family her life yours to keep. take away her pain, let her live again. if not with us then with you, this i ask through and through. i pray one day she'll wake, or lest her soul you take. oh Lord i pray to you, my family will live through.

amen

ah ma, i love you.

slipping

//hearing aid: brightest - copeland
//mood. void.

And I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she says that I am the brightest little firefly in her jar

i think i'm in love with copeland
i don't care if they have to tuned their guitars half way during the concert.
i don't care if all they say to us is sweeeeeeeeeeta
i love their lyrics.
emo-kid is back.

felt really distracted at school web D sucks shit. pr sucks bigger shit.
i wanna quit school. take the easy yet hard way out.

i'm sick. runny nose, sore throat and cough.
omg i think i need. i just need.

russ, nick and kenneth was my highlight.
boogers and muey.
thanks for making my night.

slipping into auto-pilot.
slipping into oblivion
i'm slipping away into the darkness
someone be my light.
someone be my hand, that searches
slipping.

tp.

//hearing aid: honest mistake - the bravery
//mood. done

i finally finished my commiss.
and i feel blardy good now. so long feeling of worthlessness.

went over to temasek poly this morning to steal books from them.
first things first, tp is near to my house.
15mins bus ride and the bus comes faster than i can change underwear.
then the library is 10 floors high with lifts. with lifts.
but
they are super noisy. as in if i shout out loud (with my BOOMING! voice), no one cares. no one turns to shssh me.
i felt weird without bolume woman coming to con-fis-si-cate my food.

but they have this huge media sect. i was happy.
met nick and gen. sorry gen, i left without saying bye.
ate lunch at a ridiculously small canteen. i'm talking 1/4 of canteen one for the NPnites.
but food was ok.
then i realised how inconvient NP was.
we had to take a bus to eat at a kopitiam.
at tp, all u see is FLAT GROUND. i nearly kissed the floor.
the scenery at tp is wonderful. it looked like a condo. at least their water is clear.
and then i realised, i still like NP better.
i think i've finally gone senile.

came home and desmond came over. we did commiss from 5pm to 1130. he just left for home.

all i care about now is that my oreo gets to the milk then to the mouth.
bliss la.

cheese.

//hearing aid: hollerback girl - gwen stefani
//mood. cheesed off.

sometimes i wonder if i can really control myself.
i was suppose to do comm iss today.
nothing there.
creative journal is finally bought 10 pages filled.

i am gonna burn in hell for this.

and i don't understand a single shit for comm iss.
i'm cheesed off.

and i can't help it if you are too.